I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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