I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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