I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
