Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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