i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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