i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
