she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
