He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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