yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
