why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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