he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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