Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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