So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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