yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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