she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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