I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
