If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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