honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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