If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
