her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
