My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
