I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
