Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i out mim tonsoeep
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
