Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
