At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
