So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to align my fucking chakras
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
