I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
