AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
