God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
