$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
