Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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