I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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