if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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