Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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