just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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