Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
