Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize