Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So drunk its hurt
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
