Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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