i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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