K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
