Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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