I wanna bring you to show and tell
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
