I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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