We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
