before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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