It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
