Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
