we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
