As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
