And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
