i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
