considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
