peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
