This dress was meant to end up on your floor
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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