Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we should paint friendship bongs
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