I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
