At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
