I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
