Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
