He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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