Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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