Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
